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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28546911">I’m Tired, I Miss My Lover, Let Me Go</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLoverOfLeast/pseuds/TheLoverOfLeast'>TheLoverOfLeast</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Banana Fish (Anime &amp; Manga)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a not as sad ending, Banana Fish Anime Spoilers, Banana Fish Manga Spoilers, Character Turned Into a Ghost, Graphic Depiction of Suicide, I got sad from banana fish so I made myself sadder, M/M, Okumura Eiji Needs a Hug, Planned Suicide, Post-Side Story: Garden of Light spoilers, Sad Ending, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, ash lynx is :( you know, fueled by Mr Loverman, fueled by The Swan by Saint-Saëns, ghost love??, not beta read we die like men, sad classical music gets me going you know</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 05:01:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,629</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28546911</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLoverOfLeast/pseuds/TheLoverOfLeast</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH SUICIDE DEPICTIONS!! I saw a bunch of sad headcanons of how hard Eiji would have it as he gets older and this is what came from it. </p><p>SUCIDAL DEPICTION IN CH 1 ONLY, ch2 is them as ghosts</p><p>Summary: It’s been 13 years since Eiji had seen him, and maybe it’s time to go meet him instead of waiting.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ash Lynx &amp; Okumura Eiji, Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji, OneSided! Sing Soo-Ling/ Okumura Eiji</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>69</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Le Cygne by Saint-Saëns</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH SUICIDE THATS ALL THIS REALLY IS. If you are comfortable with this sorry to put you through it 😔🤚🏻. Also I wrote this in pretty much one night so please be nice to my spelling.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Today was the day. As simple of a whim it may seem Eiji could feel it in the depth of his being that this was it. Yes, today was as fine of a day as any. Today is good enough of a day to die.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Coincidentally, or maybe in some way intentional from the dark cracks of his psyche that no amount of therapy could fill, this day already held an anniversary. This day 13 years ago was when the brightest light that had ever come into his life had gone out. As Eiji was being transported on a steel chariot to the safe haven that was Japan, Ash had made his way up the steps to the New York Public Library for the last time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eiji could only imagine how Ash must have had felt, sitting in the chair across from his usual seat as he allowed the coldness to take grip of his limbs and drag him to the underworld. Eiji remembered once joking with him, the bittersweet feeling clawed at his chest remembering when his nights were filled with worry and laughter. Eiji remembers it so clearly, he’s lived in the memories of Ash for so long, desperately trying to stave off losing even the smallest conversation or touch to the passage of time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eiji remembers once when Ash had said that with all the people he’s killed he probably had a first class ticket straight to hell. If hell is where Ash is, surrounded by demons and sins coveting for his soul, then Eiji wanted to be there too.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aki-Chan had aged into her teenage years, Sing was finally on the right track after getting his degrees, Mike and Jessica had just thrown a big party for whatever year of marriage they were celebrating, and even Ibe-san had finally gotten married to that long time girlfriend of his and was planning to have children, everyone was moving on. Everyone but him, but Eiji. Eiji felt frozen, forever at the capacity he reached when he was 19, never being able to move on even as he reached his 30’s. It was almost like when Ash d- when Ash left that Eiji couldn’t progress, couldn’t grow older without Ash by his side like he had promised. Maybe whatever demons Ash keeps company with nowadays had used Eiji’s handwriting in that letter as a way to sign his soul away. To attach his soul to Ash, wherever he is, leaving Eiji with a void in himself that no oceans of tears or liquor could fill, and by god Eiji had tried.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eiji had tried pouring himself into his work, managing to win some awards in photography and shifted from his camera being his hobby to his career, but that hadn’t worked. Even as he spent hours trying to get the perfect angle and shot to get his mind off of Ash, how his blonde hair would form a halo around his head in the sun that Eiji had thought was one of the attributes that made him beautiful, his pictures would still somehow capture that feel. Somehow, Eiji’s longing for Ash had transcended his own heart and managed to carve a place in his art. His photos were often described as melancholy, or at least they were the last time he had checked, no longer concerned with what any critic could say about them. Not that it mattered, even taking photos felt like a chore now.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eiji hadn’t been much of a drinker before the first time he came to America but he yearned for some way to feel close to Ash so he turned to liquor, something the 17 year old blond had known a little too well. Eiji still didn’t have the taste for it now as an adult, most drinks tasting the same bitter that life had left on his tongue, but at least with each streak of warmth that trailed down his chest with every glass he felt a little lighter. With each disgusting drink life became just a little bit more bearable.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That was then, however, Sing had made Eiji promise to get help when he was more often drunk than sober, each day molding into weeks then months just passing by. Therapy, the help Eiji had promised to try, didn’t really do much, it was far too easy to lie and pretend to be better without actually doing anything differently. The only obvious result from his time at therapy was that he didn’t really drink anymore. Eiji couldn’t knowing the amount of concern it brought to Sing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sing. The young boy dragged into the world of gang violence and made its leader. Eiji saw Sing’s longing glances, knew the reason behind his gentle touches but Eiji decided to do his best to ignore them under a mask of ignorance. Eiji knew he would never feel that was back to Sing, to be able to give Sing the love he deserves, but he was too selfish to firmly reject him and make him leave.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was only recently that Sing had started seeing someone, not that Eiji knew much about them knowing that Sing wanted Eiji to ask, to be curious or jealous or even possessive but Eiji wasn’t. He wouldn’t try to make a claim on something he knew wasn’t his. If anything he was glad since it meant that Sing was showing signs of finally moving on from him. Moving past the strange guilt he felt towards Ash even to today.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eiji had told Ash about Sing’s love life when he visited the cemetery earlier today, filling Ash in on the little aspects of his life that may have changed since his last visit. He spoke the silence of the tombstone with his soulmate’s name, how selfish it must be for Ash to not let Eiji go even in death. Eiji flinched thinking of that word, death his mind repeated pouring citrus on the open wound of his heart. As harsh as it was it was true. Even in death Eiji can’t move on, can’t love, can’t even live if it’s not by Ash’s side.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That was going to change soon. Eiji was 32 now, he had spent 13 years without the love of his life and he was tired. Tired of the lonely nights of just him with Buddy desperately trying to comfort him by licking his tear streaked face or nudging him with his snout when the sobs became too loud. Tonight Buddy was with Sing and this day already had one anniversary, why not make it 2?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eiji sighed as he stood from his seat at the dining table, it hadn’t been used recently since Sing started eating more frequently with his lover but Eiji didn’t mind, it was oddly reassuring that Sing didn’t double and triple check what he had to eat that day. Sing should be allowed to move on from a man that couldn’t love him back even if that left him alone. Eiji rummaged through the plastic bags he had brought home, letting out a quiet “aha” when he had found what he was looking for.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eiji made his way to his bathroom feeling lighter than he had in years, scissors in one hand bottle of Jameson in another. He had been planning his for a while, he wanted everything to be perfect so there was no room for error. If he was going to do this he didn’t want there to be a need for a second try.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eiji looked at himself in the mirror, really looked for the first time in what felt like forever. He noticed how washed out he looked, took note of the bags under his eyes behind his ever present glasses but those features weren’t the star at the moment. He removed the hair tie from his low ponytail, pushing it onto his wrist as a bracelet, before fanning his hair out around his shoulders. Eiji’s hair had reached well past his back, his last haircut being whenever Sing convinced Eiji to let him take scissors to it. That had been one of his good days but even then Eiji didn’t remember when that was, not that it mattered. If today was the day Eiji wanted to look his best and long hair is not when he was his best.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eiji raised the scissors to his hair and began snipping away, the sound of the blades clacking together reverberating through the silence of the house. It took some time, Eiji was glad he looked up how to cut his hair beforehand so it didn’t look terrible, but eventually he managed to bring back the short crop that he sported when he was 19. He forced himself to glance away as, with shaking hands, he slowly removed his glasses and exchanged them for contacts that he got especially for this.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hesitantly, Eiji looked back to the mirror into his own eyes. Maybe it was his Asian genes but he didn’t look much older just more… worn down if that made sense. There were hardly any new wrinkles or gray hairs but his eyes looked like he must have been at least 100 years old with the wear they held.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eiji wondered what Ash would have looked like if he was right next to him. Eiji doubled over the sink, the intrusive thoughts about Ash growing older making him want to expel the lunch he had with Max. He heaved in a few breaths before making eye contact with himself again. Come on Eiji, you’ve already decided this, the negatives won’t last much longer. Soon it will all be over like a bad dream.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eiji twists open the top to the bottle of Jameson and takes a few gulps trying his best to ignore the fire it set to his mouth and belly on its way down. After finishing a third of the large bottle he opens the medicine cabinet, he bought 3 bottles of the whiskey in total so at least if he chickens out he’ll break his sobriety in favor of getting drunk tonight.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eiji brings down every pill bottle he has from painkillers to prescribed sleep medication and antidepressants before lining them up on the sink. He goes back to the kitchen to get a cup large enough and something to grind the ingredients for his homemade cocktail, taking a few more swigs from the Jameson, before setting to work. He dumps each bottle into the cup, carefully ripping off the tags from each bottle before throwing them in the trash with his bundles of hair. He hopes this will work the first time but if it doesn’t he doesn’t want it to be too easy to help him. Maybe if he creates enough of an inconvenience no one will bother.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He grinds the pills down as he hums a song he recalls Ash enjoying. For good measure he pours the rest of the Jameson, Eiji hadn’t realized he drank to where only a fourth remained, and a half bottle of NyQuil to the slurry. The strong smelling liquid had a faint blue hue from the pills but was mostly a dark, bland gray color.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I guess here we go,” Eiji said, lifting the cup to his lips before chugging it as quick as he could. The chunky, chalky liquid was easily the worst thing he had ever tasted but no one said it was supposed to taste good. He stood still after finishing the cocktail for a moment, trying his best to not immediately hurl it back up before it could take effect from its texture alone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Once Eiji was certain that the nausea had passed for now he left the bathroom to make sure everything was in place. There were 3 letters on the table where he had left them, one for Ibe-san, Max, and Sing respectfully, but Eiji glossed his hands over them one last time making sure they were easily noticeable to anyone who would come in. Buddy’s food and toys were neatly put away, hopefully Sing won’t mind looking after him for a while longer, the old boy deserves a good rest of his life. The rest of his house was clean, even the spare room that no one really ever went into. Sing suggested turning into another hobby room but Eiji always declined, neither of them really saying what they knew the bedroom was really meant for. Eiji ran his hand over the cold, unused blankets briefly before leaving the room. He still had to double checked to make sure the fridge was empty, he’d hate to waste food.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Satisfied with his final once over he went back to the bathroom, a new bottle of Jameson already cracked open with a third gone. If the circumstances were different Eiji would be impressed with himself being able to still drink like he was still 22. Eiji sat on the edge of the bathtub phone in hand. 15 minutes have passed already, how long was it supposed to take to feel something?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Almost as if on cue a chill ran through him, rattling through to every extremity of his body. Guess this is it. Eiji moved to flick on the hot water from the shower head before laying down in the tub. He had left a few extra bills in Sing’s letter just in case this raised his water bill so hopefully this is fine. It did feel weird, Eiji’s cloudy thoughts tried to gather, it feels like he’s trying to take a shower with his clothes on. He gulps down the rest of the bottle before placing it aside on the floor by the tub, whoever wanted the last bottle of Jameson that was on the counter in the kitchen could have it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eiji shivered, the water was hot enough to cause steam to rise and stick in the air and to his clothes but he felt like he had just stepped outside in the New York winter.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The world was beginning to sway, the nausea from earlier was starting to come back so Eiji supposes at least he did something right. He grasps blindly for his phone and after a few attempts he is finally able to find the contact he was looking for and presses call.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hello?” The accented voice on the other line answered, Eiji needed to hurry, everything was fully spinning now and it was hard to keep his head upright.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Blanca, I know you’re in town,” Eiji slurred, he cleared his throat and tried again, fighting the urge to gag,” you’re always in town this day of the year. I need a favor.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Eiji?” Blanca sounded alarmed, he was probably going to ask what was going on, Eiji had bonded with Blanca somewhat over Ash through the years, but he didn't have time to idly chat today.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I need you to come over to where I live in an hour or so, the key code to my door is 0812. You’re the least Squamish person I know, but this will probably still not look pretty.” It was getting hard to speak, it felt like his tongue had grown too big in size for his mouth. He panted as struggled to swallow, the urge to vomit becoming overpowering.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Eiji, are you-?” Blanca started but Eiji didn’t want to hear it, he barely could anyway. Each passing second was making Blanca sound more and more underwater. Maybe Eiji dropped his phone in the water and hadn’t noticed yet.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just let me die, Blanca. It’s what I want.” There was silence for a while, the steady rhythm of the water hitting the tub and Eiji’s body the only sounds in the small bathroom. For a moment Eiji thinks the call disconnected, Blanca wasn’t exactly known for saying goodbye.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Say hi to Ash for me,” was all Blanca said. It’s all he needed to say.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I will, Eiji didn’t know if he said it out loud or not because that’s the last thing he noticed as he laid his head back and let the demons who had been chasing him finally pull him under to the black unknown.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was scary, not knowing what was going to happen next since it was likely that Blanca would acknowledge his final request. At least he’ll finally be with Ash again. That’s all he ever wanted.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Adagio for Strings, Op 11. by Barber</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The movie ghost but sadder maybe??</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi! this is the ghost chapter that I was never planning lol. pls be nice to me I kind of didn't reread this like I should have and I just suck at grammer. Also I have some strong opinions but ill leave those to the footnotes have a good read hopefully</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Why is it so cold? Where am I? Who am I?</p><p> </p><p>The young man looked around, he was standing outside on the sidewalk next to a house with no large overcoat to protect him from the harsh winter that left flurries as apologies. He hugged his arms to his body to try to gain warmth through his thin long sleeved shirt but it didn’t help, he still felt weird. He felt like no matter what he did there would always be a frost somewhere deep in his bones. Oh well, he figured to himself that he was probably just being dramatic.</p><p> </p><p>Where am I though, his thoughts revisited. He felt a slight bit of panic not recognizing his surroundings, taking in deep breaths to try to remain calm. He felt he should know from the tall buildings at least what city he was in but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. He didn’t know where he was but there was one thing he did know, this place felt like home. His subconscious almost immediately wanted to argue against this thought, saying that home felt something more like visiting shrines on holidays or being with family but he still somehow found more comfort in the towering concrete walls than in those ideals. What did his family look like again?</p><p> </p><p>Flashes of blue and red intertwined with the sirens that slowly bled into his sense of perception, the sounds were so arresting how did he not notice them sooner? Something bad must have happened here the young man thought as he slowly made his way over to investigate. It looks pretty serious from the amount of policemen here but strangely no one seemed to be moving in any rush. In the center of it all there was an ambulance, surely not the only one given the amount of cops cars in the area, that held a pair of people sitting in the open door that led to the back. The first man, if assuming by appearance, he was tall with dark hair looking to be of Asian descent. The cold man thought this man was good looking but also insanely familiar, he’s probably seen him somewhere in this city before. The other man had long brown hair tied back into a simple ponytail, the look in his eyes reflected his loss despite holding no tears.</p><p> </p><p>This younger asian man had a blanket over his shoulders as he sobbed loudly into his hands hunched over. By the looks of it,this man must have been very close with the victim of whatever accident happened here. The two men weren’t currently speaking but the grief filled air surrounding them made the cold man feel like he needed to pause to catch his breath.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you two okay?” The cold man tried to ask, the bone chilling freeze taking second place of importance in his mind as he reached out in a short attempt of physical comfort before deciding against it. He didn’t know these people but he felt like he should offer something, anything that would ease their pain. The obvious mourning made the cold man feel pain in the pit of his stomach that left him uncomfortable, why was their grief making him feel… guilty?</p><p> </p><p>“How could he do this?” The sobbing man choked out eventually, the effort of trying to talk leaving him gasping for air. He seemed to be clawing his hands into his hair, the cold man lifted his hand again to reach out but decided against it. He didn’t know these people, why does his body keep trying to offer physical affection to them?</p><p> </p><p>“We both know the reason why, try to not blame yourself. You are allowed to have your own life not watching over him every moment of the day,” the taller man with long hair said, his voice tinged by some unknown accent. His words come off as a little rude but the cold man somehow knew this wasn’t his intention.</p><p> </p><p>It occurs to the cold man that they might not be talking to him but each other so he silently excuses himself giving them privacy. It’s strange, he knows doesn’t belong here but no cops have tried to stop or question him, they’ve simply just let him roam freely. Maybe it’s because his past run ins with the police haven’t been as nonconfrontational. Wait, he doesn’t remember ever being involved with the police so why does he feel that way?</p><p> </p><p>He hears it before he sees it, the squeaky wheels of a gurney coming down the sidewalk from the entrance of the house to where he’s standing. Judging from the shiny black zipped up bag it looked to be a body. Poor soul, hopefully they’re at peace now, the cold man thinks as the workers begin the task of loading the gurney into the ambulance after the two men there moved to the side.</p><p> </p><p>There’s more people sobbing a short distance away, whoever died must have known quite a few people for them to be wailing so powerfully here instead of standing in horror like those behind the caution tape farther away. The cold man wonders how these people were able to stand so long in the snow, they must be freezing by now in these early hours before dawn. I should go, the cold man decided, these people are in pain and should be allowed to heal without his prying eyes.</p><p> </p><p>The cold man takes a final glance to the house when he sees him. It seemed to be a tall, blonde man, the cold man thought as he made his way over. The blonde man’s face was brimming with heartache, so much so that the cold man felt compelled to do something, he didn’t know what he just wanted to make this stranger feel even a little bit better. Something seemed familiar about him too, the same feeling radiating to him from each person that was gathered here, but for him it felt… stronger.</p><p> </p><p>“Hello? Are you okay?” The cold man begins as soon as he’s sure he’s in hearing distance to the blonde man. He kept his tone as soft and soothing as he could, he didn’t want to agitate anyone there more than has already been done.</p><p> </p><p>The blonde man snaps his head up at the sound, what beautiful green eyes he had it felt like he was looking into the clearest pair of Jade crystals he had ever seen. The cold man felt a little stunned into a loss of breath, no one had noticed him or looked his way this whole time and here was this attractive man staring at him so intensely. He was looking at him with so much raw emotion, as if he was the last person he expected to be there but there was so much longing in his gaze that it was making the cold man’s head spin.</p><p> </p><p>The blonde man makes different attempts to speak, ultimately failing at all of them. It’s okay, he’s probably just gone through something traumatic, he can take his time to form his thoughts, the cold man thought as he patiently waited with what he hoped was a warm smile. He hadn’t seen himself in what feels like a while but hopefully he looked presentable today under the other’s heavy gaze. There was something about the way the blonde man scrambled for words that made the cold man want to shelter him.</p><p> </p><p>The blonde man straightened up having grown more agitated with each failed attempt at speech and reached out for the other man, tears shining in his eyes, as he breathed out a single word with reverence, “Eiji.”</p><p> </p><p>Who- wait, I- that’s, that sounds so famili- that’s me, the cold man realizes. Then it comes flooding into his mind, the memories of Japan, of his family, and the memories of his years in New York, his home. Eiji doubles over to hold his head in his hands as each piercing memory tacks on. all the nights to drinking to forget, all the nights contemplating his life’s outcome, all the nights staying up in worry in the hideouts. Worrying about- Eiji’s head snaps up.</p><p> </p><p>“Ash?” Eiji hearing went static as a whooshing sound drowned out the residual sobs of his friends, his vision tunneling in on the man who stood in front of him, onto the love of his life. “Is that really you?”</p><p> </p><p>Ash crosses this distance easily with his long strides, pulling Eiji into his arms. His embrace didn’t feel like it’s usually warmth but he smelled exactly as Eiji remembers, like gunpowder and the cheap shampoo the Eiji still used in an effort to keep close to Ash. It’s him, it’s really him, he’s really standing right here. His thoughts somehow take off without him, overjoyed at Ash being here that they couldn’t form a proper thought beyond the elation he was feeling.</p><p> </p><p>Eiji wraps his arms around Ash’s torso burying his face in his neck squeezing his hands into the fabric of his clothes as tight as he could. Eiji wouldn’t be able to bear it if this reunion was all just another dream again, not this time.</p><p> </p><p>Eiji hears muffled laughter by his ear,” yeah, it’s really me.” Ash's voice sounds huskier like he’s crying, if this was all a dream Eiji would rather not remember what Ash sounds like when he’s crying. Eiji pulls away just enough to look at him, not really willing to separate their embrace so soon,” how do I know it’s really you. How do I know this isn’t another dream?”</p><p> </p><p>Some part of Eiji wants to desperately enjoy this even if it was a dream while another, more logical part, knows this is all too good to be true. He can’t even bring himself to speak above a whisper to not accidentally wake himself up too soon. Eiji raised his hands to Ash’s cheeks, if this was a dream he was going to commit every part to memory.</p><p> </p><p>“I guess it’s easy to see ghosts now that you are one yourself,” Ash said gently unwrapping his arms from Eiji’s neck to cradle the hands placed on his own cheeks. He was touching him so tenderly, his touch feather light on his hands.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, right,” Eiji mumbles, suddenly feeling a sense of shame as Ash’s words registered in his head. Did he see how his life fell apart? did Ash see how pathetic he got in his last few years alive? Eiji wanted to look away, feeling too hot under Ash’s warm gaze, but he also didn’t want to look away entirely and lose this moment of intimacy, instead settling for looking down at Ash’s chest.</p><p> </p><p>They were silent for a while, listening to the sirens and whispers around them not really knowing what to say. Did Ash even want anything to do with Eiji now? He was finally free now that he was dead so Eiji was honestly not expecting to see him here like this. Eiji wanted to find Ash, yes, but he was expecting to at least having to look for him.</p><p> </p><p>“What are you doing here in New York still?” Eiji finally whispered, he didn’t know if he was really ready to talk about the details of his own death at that moment but he wanted to end the silence to be able to talk to the person he’s missed for over 10 years. Eiji didn’t really mind what they talk about, even if Ash was mad over his death and wanted to shout how stupid he could be to throw his life away, he just wanted to hear Ash’s voice in a way to reassure himself that this wasn’t just all in his head.</p><p> </p><p>“I considered leaving in the beginning, but I could never really leave, at least not entirely,” Ash started, sliding his palms down Eiji’s sides to fold his arms around his waist. To Eiji the small action felt so tender, especially from Ash who had never been the one to initiate physical affection when they were alive, that his cheeks burned, could ghosts still blush? “I wanted to try to find Shorter but there’s a lot more ghosts in New York than I thought there’d be. I kept tabs on everyone, on Sing and even Yut-lung, and then you came back from Japan. I don’t think I left again after that, I’ve always been somewhere close to you.”</p><p> </p><p>Ash ran one hand along Eiji’s spine, the simplest of touch making Eiji’s ghostly pulse race but the sad twinkle in his jade eyes sent his racing heart straight to the pit of his stomach. Eiji returned the affection in earnest running his hands through Ash’s surprisingly soft hair, he didn’t think that was a trait that would be carried on to their ghostly forms.</p><p> </p><p>“You came back, back to this hellhole, and I felt like I shouldn’t let you out of my sight. Ironic, isn’t it? After all the people I’ve killed I thought I could try to be your guardian angel,” Ash laughed hollowly, the bitterness in his words towards himself making Eiji’s stomach twist painfully.</p><p> </p><p>“Please don’t say that, I’m <em>grateful</em> that you tried to look out for me,” Eiji said, his own voice taking a tone of softness that he hadn’t heard himself use in years. His heart felt like it could burst at any moment, from the sadness behind Ash’s words or Ash’s prescience Eiji didn’t know.</p><p> </p><p>“You shouldn’t be, since I did such a piss poor job of being your guardian angel I might as well have been your own personal demon. None of this would have happened if you never met me,” does Ash consider what happened his fault? Does he really blame himself when the years he spent with him wear when he was happiest despite the danger?</p><p> </p><p>“Please don’t blame yourself,” Eiji cleared his throat, the emotions spilling over making words hard to come out. “The two years I spent with you were the best years of my life, even with all the guns and death and I wouldn’t give those away for the world. What happened here tonight wasn’t because of you but because of me. I know what I did was the selfish way out but I wouldn’t take it back, I'm able to be here now with you and that’s all I’ve ever wanted.”</p><p> </p><p>The words were flowing out of Eiji leaving him breathless, he should pause to properly gather his thoughts but he couldn’t. All these words of love and reassurance belonged to Ash since long before and Eiji was going to say them without holding back like he regrets doing before. Even if Ash didn’t feel the same way as before, the way their relationship tiptoed on the line of red romance, Eiji still wants him to know just how much he loves and cares for him. The sounds of sobs brought the pair back from their world, startled at the loud noises that hadn’t ceased but instead faded into the back of their awareness.</p><p> </p><p>“You could have been happy with him, if you had just given him the chance, you know,” Ash said, taking Eiji’s hand to lead them over to Sing and Blanca. “He would have treated you well.”</p><p> </p><p>“Probably, but it didn’t feel right. I didn’t want to use him to make myself feel better if I wasn’t going to ever love him back, I couldn’t be that horrible to him.” Eiji didn’t ask how Ash knew about Sing’s feelings towards him, he was too scared to open the conversation and find out what else Ash had seen. Sing and Blanca were just as Eiji left them when he didn’t remember who he was, Sing’s mournful sobs had lesser down to hiccups as Blanca continued to rub his back. Eiji didn’t know how soon Sing had gotten here after he’d called Blanca but he just added it to the growing mental list of things he’d rather not know.</p><p> </p><p>“At least Sing will be able to properly move on now that everyone he’s ever felt indebted to is dead, everyone except maybe Yut-lung,” Eiji said more to himself, but lifting the tone of his words just in case Ash wanted to say anything. Eiji didn’t want to stop hearing his voice. He was also unwilling to let go of his hand as he dragged Ash over closer with him to stand on Sing’s other side to place his unoccupied hand on his shoulder. It felt weird trying to touch someone who is alive but Eiji pushed the discomfort down, this small amount of consolement was the least he could do for Sing after everything he’s put him through. It felt like hours had passed with them standing there before Blanca excused himself to go get something from Eiji’s home, maybe Buddy’s things or whatever Sing had left behind in his room.</p><p> </p><p>“Eiji,” the whisper from Sing startled Eiji who had moved some from Sing when Blanca had found him a chair to sit in with Ash who waited patiently still holding Eiji’s hand.</p><p> </p><p>“Wherever you are now I hope you’re at peace now at least,” Sing said, lifting his puffy, red eyes up to the sky, as the blue skies filled the horizon into morning. He said these words in Japanese just for Eiji in a language he learned just for him to have someone to speak in it with.</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you for everything you’ve done for me, I hope I can treat you better in the next life, or in the afterlife if for some reason you become a ghost instead of moving on too.” Eiji responded in his native tongue, tears welling up in his eyes. He really didn’t deserve someone like Sing in his life, he’ll have to make it up to him in at least one of these lifetimes.</p><p> </p><p>“He must have really loved you,” Ash said, the first thing he said in a while.</p><p> </p><p>“He did, but I already loved someone too much to offer him any space in my heart in that way,” Eiji said, wiping stray tears from his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Who was it? The person you loved so much?” Ash breathed pretending as if he didn’t know the answer. Eiji smiled up at him, Ash really was as cute as he remembers, maybe even more.</p><p> </p><p>“You Ash, all this time I’ve still been in love with you, even if we never said it I’ll be sure to tell it to you plenty this time around,” Eiji beamed at Ash as they left Sing with some privacy to mourn.</p><p> </p><p>Eiji’s heart lept in delight at the dark pink spanning over Ash’s skin all the way to his ears, who knew ghosts really could blush.</p><p> </p><p>“We never said it, I really never told you? I was so sure I told you once or twice” Ash said, avoiding Eiji’s eye contact. Eiji pushed his face closer to Ash’s just to enjoy watching him squirm, he was going to love teasing for the rest of their time together to make up for the years of not being able to.</p><p> </p><p>“Nooope,” Eiji said with a dramatic pop at the ‘p’ sound,”but it’s okay, you wouldn’t be blushing so hard If you didn’t feel the same way.”</p><p> </p><p>“No wait I, I l-,” Ash stuttered the dark pink flushing to red, even if they were ghosts Eiji was kind of worried that Ash could pass out, could ghosts pass out? Do they even sleep?</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay,” Eiji held a finger to Ash’s lips, the contact sending little sparks of static down his arm,” you’re really don’t have to force yourself to say anything just yet. My love language is probably more acts of service or physical touch anyways.” Ash looked literally puzzled at these words, even slightly tilting his head in confusion like Buddy would.</p><p> </p><p>Eiji giggled at how cute he was,” besides you spent over 10 years roaming around, we have plenty of time together. What do you want to do first?”</p><p> </p><p>Ash hummed as he thought, gently moving Eiji’s hand from his lips to cradle against his cheek in a move so soft as if he thought he could break him if he was too hasty. “We could try looking for Shorter if he’s still around.”</p><p> </p><p>“Then let’s do that, you can even tell me what you’ve learned about being a ghost so I can know too,” Eiji said, ecstatic at the thought of roaming these familiar streets with Ash at his side again.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you sure this is what you want? I'm probably only a ghost because whatever hell hasn’t caught up with me for being a murderer yet. We could try to find a way for you to pass on to whatever afterlife instead so you can be at peace,” this insecurity of Ash’s is something that Eiji always felt was stupid. Ash could literally get whatever he wanted if he put his mind to it, he just had to see that was just as worthy of love as anyone else was.</p><p> </p><p>“Ash if you’re supposed to go to hell then I’m probably supposed to go too. After all, I did, you know, kill myself,” The soulmates flinched at the words that left Eiji’s mouth that they had been avoiding since being being reunited. “Whatever afterlife that’s out there waiting for you is probably waiting for me too. I just want to be with you for as long as you’ll have me, so before we go to hell, or whatever version of it exists, let’s try to find Shorter.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll always want you here with me, forever,” Ash said, the green in his eyes warming into soft grassy fields. The reds and pinks dancing across the sky didn’t hold a candle to the beauty Ash held as the sun lit up his hair from behind into a glowing, golden crown. This was really him, the visious gangbanger Ash Lynx from the streets of New York, the first and last love he’d ever had.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you sure I’m not too old for you? I’m in my 30s now I’ll have you know,” Eiji said jokingly, trying to cover the last insecurity that Ash wouldn’t want him because he’s older now.</p><p> </p><p>Ash snorts at that, lowering their hands from his cheek to interlock their fingers between them. “I’m supposed to be nearing my 30s too, you’re not that much older than me. Not that you looked old, but right now you don’t look like you’ve aged at all, you just look like my Eiji. A pain in my ass even now, but still my Eiji.”</p><p> </p><p>“Forever then,” Eiji echoed what Ash had said just moments earlier. Eiji couldn’t even comprehend the warmth that was flowing through him after so many years of feeling so hollow. There weren't any grand speeches of their love for each other but Eiji felt like this was enough, the twinkle in Ash's eye that would only come to life looking at Eiji was always enough. It felt like he hadn’t been living up to this point and that now he finally had a purpose. His soulmate must have always been Ash, and if Eiji’s suspicions are correct, he’s Ash's soulmate too.</p><p> </p><p>Ash placed a kiss on the interlocked hands,” let’s go find shorter then.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So I have seen some opinions from banana fish fans that I want to say in my own words. Yes, this is a fic where Eiji does end up committing suicide to be with Ash but I don't condone this at all. Please, if this hits too close to home talk to someone. Also thanks for reading I honestly haven't written anything in years but if I'm regressing into my middle school self might as well go all the way 🤠🤠🤠🤠🤠🤠</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry to do that 🤠 idk why I even do this to myself. It’s been a hot minute since I’ve tried to write and I’m actually pretty impressed doing all of this from my phone.<br/>EDIT: only fixed the spacing between paragraphs in stuff for what's  in store :) I wish I could put tabs, tabs are so pretty but at least It doesn't just look like a block of text anymore.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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